So this happened: 15 Things Women Can Do To Feel More Confident
If you can't be bothered to read it, I'll give you a quick run down: it starts with the demand that you remove all your body hair because 'you're a woman, not a man' and ends with a similar demand to moisturise your skin because 'YOU'RE A WOMAN'.
As I sit here, un-moisturised and body hair not completely removed, I can't help but think that this article wouldn't really make me feel any better. If I was already feeling relatively rubbish about myself it probably wouldn't help that I now have the internet aggressively reminding me that it's probably because I'm not feminine enough. Because if one thing doesn't make me feel more confident, it's being told that a) I'm a woman so I'm only going to be attractive if I do certain things, and b) my confidence should come exclusively from the way I look.
I know that when I feel like crap it usually isn't because my hair isn't done, or even that my skin is bad, it's because I have bigger fish to fry but projecting that onto how I look is just easier. I could put on as much make-up and fake tan and exactly-the-right-amount-of jewellery as I liked; it probably wouldn't really help.
So here are some things I do that actually do make me feel better, woman or not, when I feel like the human equivalent of the Soviet economy circa 1989 (i.e. declining, nearly in crisis).
- Tell someone. And when you tell them, stop putting 'just' in front of everything. Your feelings are as important and legitimate as everyone else's and you don't 'just' feel lonely and exhausted and all round rubbish about yourself. Everyone feels like that sometimes and everyone is allowed to expect support and to have someone listen to them as if how they feel actually matters, because it does. Remember that if someone else felt like this you'd want them to come to you so you could help and tell them how great they are, remember that people feel that way about you too.
- Turn off your phone. Sometimes people do not help, sometimes they hinder. Sometimes you just need an hour, or a day, to have a break. Being away from everything and everyone will usually help you think about what you should legitimately be concentrating on, and what is just noise that doesn't deserve to make you feel bad about yourself.
- Don't read things like this. Anyone who thinks they can tell you what you should and shouldn't look like just has too much time on their hands. How you look is fine. Number 15 is right, you should be yourself. The 'yourself' that has body hair, pale skin, un-moisturised skin, 'too much' jewellery, un-painted toes and fingernails and even no underwear if that's what you want to do. So despite the fact that this article seems to think that not wearing underwear is basically the social equivalent of bringing a dead cat to dinner I have it on good authority that I am in fact still in possession of my own mind, and I am still able to make my own decisions regarding how I look and what I wear.
- You are great. And none of what you've done or who you are is based on your looks alone. When your friends talk about you I'm sure they talk about how funny/intelligent/lovely/all-round great you are and not in fact, how soft your skin is (weird) or how little body hair you have (very very weird).
I think what really frustrated me about this wasn't the lack of real advice (telling someone to 'relax' does not constitute advice), it was that it made being a woman seem like being part of some exclusive club, like you were selling yourself short if you dared not take adhere to the suggested rules.
I am a woman, I am also a person, and I feel more confident when I'm reminded that I'm loved and that I have been, and may again be, successful. I am a person, and I'll wear no underwear if I want to.
xx
