Reclaiming My Clothes [Time]

When I talked to someone about this post I lied and said the dress I would talk about was the one I wore when the last boy I dated dumped me. It wasn't. I don't even remember what I was wearing when that happened. I remember what I said and what he said and being bought flowers and having dinner with my main girl; that's how I would like it to stay. 

It was actually the dress I wore to my brother's funeral. I lie about that, and avoid talking about it, all the time I don't know why. I deny myself opportunities to talk about it even though sometimes it's all I want to do. But that's another story: let's talk about that dress. 

It was a Christmas present in the Christmas of 2013, I wore it to New Year's that year. It went to university with me and I wore it on a couple of nights out in my final year. It's black and faux leather so I usually confine it to winter because even without tights it's damn warm. 

The funeral was on the 3rd February 2015. I had to go back through my diary to find that. He died on the 15th January so the funeral was some time after that and obviously one date it much more memorable to me than the other. I remember it all so clearly but looking through my diary made me realise exactly how much it happened within the confines of my life. There are appointments and deadlines and social events littered over those two weeks and I kept all of them. I remember it as an expanse of time; a gap, and saying I'd do things 'after the funeral', but in reality I didn't stop and I didn't let anything give.

We decided to keep the dress code as black because sometimes grief is just bad and you don't want to celebrate life and wear colour. That's fine if you did but we didn't and I stand by our decision.

I smiled and felt uncomfortable and let out the smallest of sobs in that dress and then I was reunited with members of my family and chatted about everything else. Later I got changed and ate and cried a lot more. The day was weird because everyone looked lovely but no one felt like they could say so. It was weird because I asked advice on what to wear and if my lipstick was even and my mum asked me if I thought her dress went with her shoes and looked okay and it did but it felt strange to say. I'd lost a lot of weight at this point and I'm not sure I was even happy with how I looked in that dress, but it felt like a good demonstration of how we were all coping that we could manage to get dressed and be well-presented even after what had happened.

I wasn't sure if I would ever wear that dress again, not because of the bad memories but because it felt strangely inappropriate to acknowledge that it was nice and I looked good in it because you're not meant to notice that sort of thing at a funeral. But it's my dress, and it's for me to wear whatever the weather. It's not just my funeral dress in the same way that I'm not just grieving. It is my funeral dress in the same way that I am grieving. It's also my 'End of Term celebration' dress because I also spent the evening with my friends and enjoyed their company. It is both things because I am both things. It hasn't stopped being my funeral dress any more than I've stopped grieving but I don't want my clothes to be boxed off any more than I want that for myself.

This felt like the right time to write this because I'm walking back through the four months between his diagnosis and his death and everything feels so familiar sometimes I have to remind myself it's not happening all over again. I want to wear that dress again this autumn on no day in particular and for no reason. Probably just with a jumper thrown over it. I want to claim back my favourite time of year and that dress I look great in.  I want to spend this time talking about all this as much as possible because I've learnt so much about myself from it, and about other people. I hid it for such a long time and I refuse to be ashamed by my pain any more.

I also got my heartbroken right alongside all of this and my friends have already promised to help me reclaim things that remind me of that boy. The places and events and things we did that don't feel like memories I can comfortably have any more. When it comes to my grieving I need to do that for myself.

I need to reclaim that dress because I need to reclaim my memories as mine, as times I felt happy because of the life I've built for myself not memories of the things that happened to me without my say-so. I need to wear it to my good job, and around my wonderful friends, and on days I'm out by myself and feeling 100% me. I need it to have multiple meanings to me because I need to have multiple meanings for myself. I need to be open about all of them. I want to be able to list 'grieving' as comfortably as I list 'successful'. I am both.

I want that to be my 'funeral dress' and my 'if you can do that, you can do anything dress'.

xx

Stepping Away from the Screen

I spend about 75% of my waking minutes in front of a computer screen. I wish that was an over-exaggeration but it isn't. I'm writing my thesis, doing my job and running this blog all at once and all of those require interaction with a computer and a smartphone.

I'm not gonna spend time here preaching about the inability of our generation to have meaningful face-to-face conversation, or how we can't enjoy what's in front of us, or how we're selfish. Mainly because I hate shit like that, I have plenty of meaningful IRL times with the people around me, and on my rare (and I mean very rare) days off I delight in leaving my phone hidden away in the bottom of my bag except for photo documentation purposes. It just so happens that I'm exceptionally busy and the things I do that make me busy all need a computer to do them.

That being said I am starting to feel the strain on my eyes, and my concentration levels. All this 24/7 blue light isn't doing it for me. Your brain needs change and challenge to work to the best of its ability and although it probably feels regularly challenged you need to use all of it. There's no doubt that I write better now I do it on a continuous basis, but that's also in part because I invested in some notebooks and I take myself away from the screen now. There's something about blank pages that inspire you in a way a blank Word document just can't.

This new alignment in all of my activities has presented a problem with the ways I used to switch off. Reading includes words and although I still love my time with a good book I have to say that I have to be more in the mood for it than I used to when I worked in retail. Watching anything film or TV wise is sometimes the last thing I want to do and more than often just makes me fall asleep too early. I have perfected the 7pm-9pm nap and then straight back to bed at 11pm, but that's nothing to be proud of.

So here's a quick run down of the things I started doing to give myself a bit of a break from the back-light.

Taking handwritten notes
I cannot tell you how much nicer this is when it comes to essay writing. I have to spend a lot of the time I'm actually writing crying over my laptop so it's nice to start that process in pen and paper rather than creating lots of digital pages I can never find and can't keep in one physical place. Even better, keeping a file of my notes makes me feel like I've done loads of work, even when I haven't, and it's incredibly satisfying to see after a month of thesis- related researching that I actually have something to show for it. Plus it's better memory-wise because you eventually have to process all that information in ink into a digital copy anyway.

Making mood-boards
This is actually how this whole mission to do more with my hands than just tapping on a keyboard began. I was asked to make a mood-board for a job interview and the process of cutting and sticking and arranging was probably the most relaxing and enjoyable hours I'd had in a very long time. It was that activity which alerted me to the fact that writing isn't the only way I can express myself, Being tactile and having something you can actually do with your hands which requires concentration and doesn't include words is so important. Plus it allows me to explore my interests in a different way, and helps remind me that fashion is really, more than anything, just about clothes.

Running
Or walking. Or anything really that involves your body rather than your brain. I've had some of my best ideas (and a lot of writers block breakthroughs) whilst my legs have been working instead of my hands and eyes. Admittedly it's been a while since I ran, but I like to think that the mile each way from the city centre to university that I walk nearly every day still counts for something, and it's still one of my favourite parts of any day.

Colouring
Hopefully one day to be 'drawing', but you have to start somewhere and I certainly didn't start in Year 9 art class. It's never too late to pick up an artistic hobby though and since I'm not thinking of a career in portraiture it's a nice no-pressure way to spend my time (i.e. it doesn't matter if it's not very good). The benefits of colouring for adults have been well recorded and I'm hoping the concentration needed alongside the enjoyment I should get from it will bring me a bit of peace of mind as well as giving my self a well-needed change from a screen of back-lit colour,

Cooking
Basically as far away from writing as you could get, no writing implement or paper or even noise to be found. This is also the one with the most satisfying end result, you either get a great meal or a cake to be shared with everyone you know. Making you popular and relaxed.

Reading in pictures
It's no exaggeration to say that graphic novels have changed my life. The text isn't line after line of a font I spend every day looking at (I see you, Times New Roman), and there are pictures and not everything is in grey-scale and my eyes eat that up. I keep reading and I keep learning and I write better for it, but I do it in a way that allows my brain to change pace and process that information differently.


xx

Good Vibes Sunday #27

I did it! 

Apart from that, this week was a week of internal screaming. 

Here's to next week.

xx

Halfway Reflection [Dear Claire 2.0]

Dear Half-Way 2015 Claire,

6 months down, 6 months to go. Let's see how you're doing.

Let's cut to the chase and say you're doing so well to even still be standing. This year was so bad in ways you could have anticipated and also ways you really couldn't. You might say that it all still feels pretty bad, I would agree. The thing is though, that it's just the same things that are still a bit worse than you wanted them to be.

So you're still grieving, of course, and you're still heart-broken. So what? Maybe those things will just take a little longer than 6 months to fix, and hopefully we'll be writing a very different letter by the end of the year. I think you should be proud of yourself, and I know you are, but you also can't fix everything. You made friends, friends who want to see you and live with you and talk to you all the time. You got rid of people that didn't want to do any of those things (or didn't deserve any of those things) and life might have fallen apart around you but your family is still standing and you still have a job.

Stay measured and stay honest. Stay emotionally open. Stay completely intolerant to anything or anyone that doesn't make you happy. Try and stay positive, I know every day feels like a bit of a challenge but in a couple of months everything will be so different, and probably a lot more structured. Plus you'll have your own place again, and a full-time job.

You know this year has simultaneously been the best and worst year of your life so far, and I think that's a pretty good sign. There are no 'good' or 'bad' years, or months, or weeks, or days. There are only the things you build and the things you can't control.

You're not going to get what you really want by changing the way you are. You're certainly not going to get it by only considering one course of action and refusing to admit that you might have been wrong. You haven't committed to anything yet but by the end of this year you might have to. It's gonna be a big decision with big implications so make sure you do a lot of soul-searching. Discuss it with everyone around you to verbalise it, because that will help you. Take no advice though, because only you have to live with it so what everyone else thinks doesn't matter.

Goddammit girl please take your make-up off every night.

Read more! And do more stuff that doesn't involve words! Write more in between!

Stay strong girl, you're doing so good.

Claire
xx

Good Vibes Sunday #26

xx