Autumn Digest

This is coming instead of last month's monthly digest, not because I left it too late (I did), but because I thought it would be nice (that too).

As far as I'm concerned this time of year is just the build up to Christmas.

I love that it's cold, I love that I'm either too cold or sweating because I'm wearing so many layers inside. 

I love that all the shops have put their Christmas displays out and everyone's complaining about it. I love that when everyone stops complaining it's an appropriate time to get excited for Christmas. Most of all I love the way everyone looks at this time of year, 

I love layers, and I love the way everyone changes their make-up around now because finally it's cold enough for it not to melt off your face.

I even like that it's dark all the time. That's right, I like that. Not in itself because it means I just want to be in bed for 70% of the day, but because that's when you know that this time of year is coming and I enjoy everything that comes with it.

I don't just like autumn and winter, I like them so much more than I like summer. During the colder months everyone wants to be inside, and it's totally acceptable to plan every activity around the availability of inside space. During summer, even when it isn't hot, everyone wants to be outside all the time. It's like a horrible compulsion to be outdoors even when it isn't hot enough to sit still for an hour and I'd be much happier inside.

I really really like, but also don't understand, the fact that my parents turn the heating up far too high and basically turn the house into the world's best-furnished sauna. 

I really like being able to buy a million jumpers and long-sleeved shirts, and I love that a either a roll-neck or many layers of top and jeans will be my uniform for the next 5 months.

Lots of love

xx

On Being Frightened

About two weeks ago I started university, for the days leading up to my first day (and most of the first week) my inner-self felt like this: 

In other words, I was really, really scared.

Now I'm feeling a bit more like that scene in a movie where the main character hears a noise upstairs and goes to check it out only to find out it's just some creaky door. So not completely terrified, but definitely on edge, waiting for the actual scary thing to happen.

When you tell people you're going to university for the first time, or back to university, or starting a new job, or moving away, they always want to tell you how excited you must be.

Most of all they want to hear how excited you are.

For me, if it was someone I didn't know that well, I just lied and said I was 'soo excited' and I was sure it was going to be 'soo good'. If they knew me a little better then I was honest and admitted actually, that I was very very scared and starting to wonder what on earth I was doing taking such a massive risk.

As the time drew nearer I only became more scared, and more convinced I wasn't going to be able to cope and that I was going to spend the entire year with no friends and slowly drowning under the weight of my course and part-time job. These might seem like an over-exaggerated description of what everyone feels when they have to start over somewhere new, but for me it felt all too accurate. My final year at university was really tough friends-wise and although I left it with some of the best friends I could ever have wished for, I also left it thoroughly shaken and not nearly as sure as myself as I was at the start of it. I wasn't just worried that people wouldn't like me, or wouldn't find me worthy of friendship, I was really concerned that I just wouldn't put myself out there from fear of realising both of those things.

It was scary because for the first time in my life I wouldn't be thrown together with a group of people, either in my accommodation or work place who would just be my friends by default. Not only that, but I'd also made this decision all on my own. Going to university had seemed so obvious, like I'd never have done anything else, but going on to postgraduate study was just one of a million paths I could have followed after I finished my undergraduate degree. 

So if I had a terrible time, and crashed and burned both socially and academically, I'd only have myself to blame.

I feel incredibly lucky to feel that fear reducing as the weeks go on.

If being so frightened at the start has given me something, it's been that I feel grateful for even the smallest victories in my new situation. I changed my course from part-time to full-time with relative ease, I made friends who I see regularly, and I feel on top of and excited about my work.

Don't get me wrong I'd have loved to not have been frightened, I'd still love to be able to shine with confidence and not let everyone that let me down in the past make me think that everyone else is going to do the same in the future.

But it is okay to be frightened, and okay to let that subside in its own time.

Who knows, maybe if this year goes well I can start my next adventure with the relaxed confidence of someone who isn't internally screaming. Maybe.

À bientôt!

xx

Weekly Digest

This is cliché but I'm going to say it anyway; I have no idea where time has gone. How is it October (September Digest is coming soon), how is it the final of GBBO on Wednesday, and mostly, how am I ordering books for my Masters thesis already?

I don't know why I've been so bad at taking photos for these past two weeks, especially since I'm out of the house (and therefore have to be dressed) every day of the week. As with most things here, I'm going to try and improve that in the future.

The one I did manage to take a picture of was this one, we did a late night student event at work and we were also featured on the official Instagram: 

(The boots are from Marks and Spencer, I'm still deciding so any votes on whether I should buy them would be greatly appreciated)

It was also my other half's birthday this week so we went out for a lovely meal on Thursday night. I don't know where I'm looking but this is the only photo where we're both smiling:

And last night I made dinner: 

Definitely a week of finding my feet as it's the first time in months I've had a job and uni work to do. I don't feel like it's going too badly so far, so let's hope this week is a sign of things to come! 

Lots of love 

xx