Sometimes I think the only thing that gets me really angry is the way I was treated as a teenager. It obviously isn't the only thing that gets me angry, I actually have a very hot-head and I'm very vocally angry or frustrated about a lot of things a lot of the time. Very few things get me as angry as remembering advice I was given about my future career choices when I was 16, though. This is because very few things have led me on a path which is beginning increasingly to feel a million miles from where I want to be.
It isn't fair, of course, to blame whoever my careers adviser was in year 12 for the choices I made, plenty of people at 16 know exactly the industry they want to go into and they go out and get it. I'm watching a lot of people my age and younger do jobs I would love to do but are completely out of my reach. That's because at 16 I was quiet, and intelligent, and I hadn't developed my own style or 'look' yet, and I all-round did not give off the air of someone who was about to break into the creative industry with a bang, or even a small thump.
It feels fair to blame the fact I had to make that decision at that age though, it feels fair to blame the atmosphere that was created around being able to get a job and the fact you had to choose what to do at an age where really you have no reason to believe in yourself. I should here mention my GCSE and A-Level Drama and English teachers, thanks for always believing in my ability to write, sorry I didn't believe you. There are only so many times you can here how competitive an industry is and how unlikely your success is statistically until you really believe you'd just be wasting your time in pursuing a career in it.
Couple that with constantly being told that you're academically brilliant and it's no surprise that I'm here really, half way through a Masters degree and on the precipice of applying for a PhD. This year taught me that in comparison to Politics, I love History. It also taught me that if I'm in an environment where I feel happy and secure I'm more likely to enjoy whatever I'm doing. I think it only really taught me that I like being happy and feeling like I'm learning and I like having a project.
It taught me that I love lecturing and that I'd happily do it for the rest of my life but I really don't give a sweet shit where the semi-colons go in footnotes in the MHRA referencing system.
And therein, lies my problem.
I really really want a PhD but sometimes I look at academia as a career and it feels stifling and like I'd be denying myself the thousand things I am outside of that arena. I wonder all the time if there's something that would make me happier that I could do every day of my life. Then last week I made a mood board for a job interview, I did something with my hands and my eyes that didn't involve any words and it felt like I'd switched on parts of my brain that hadn't been used in years.
It's my honest belief that it's harder to pursue your creative passions than your academic ones, it's harder because everyone tells you its harder and you rarely get solid results, you're more likely to see no progress for a longer time and there's no set career path. That being said I'm starting to feel a bit lacklustre about the little numbers on the pieces of paper I'm being given. I'm starting to feel like I let my academic achievements define me and then slowly realised they didn't give me enough credit for me as a person, a whole person. They don't feel like a compliment any more and they don't make me feel as successful as I'd like to feel.
I also don't seem to get anything apart from numbers of pieces of paper and a list of things that were missing. I can't help but wonder if I really want to commit myself to an environment that doesn't really make any attempt to encourage me to be there. I shouldn't be getting more support and appreciation from the management team at my part-time job but I am, and I shouldn't feel more confident in my abilities at that job that in my academic career but I do. I'm tired of having to convince myself I'm good enough to carry on doing this and I'm bored of being marked on one assignment every six months instead of my participation, or my dedication, or my ability to engage with other people - all of which would be crucial parts of being a lecturer, if I can make it that far.
It's my honest belief that it's harder to pursue your creative passions than your academic ones, it's harder because everyone tells you its harder and you rarely get solid results, you're more likely to see no progress for a longer time and there's no set career path. That being said I'm starting to feel a bit lacklustre about the little numbers on the pieces of paper I'm being given. I'm starting to feel like I let my academic achievements define me and then slowly realised they didn't give me enough credit for me as a person, a whole person. They don't feel like a compliment any more and they don't make me feel as successful as I'd like to feel.
I also don't seem to get anything apart from numbers of pieces of paper and a list of things that were missing. I can't help but wonder if I really want to commit myself to an environment that doesn't really make any attempt to encourage me to be there. I shouldn't be getting more support and appreciation from the management team at my part-time job but I am, and I shouldn't feel more confident in my abilities at that job that in my academic career but I do. I'm tired of having to convince myself I'm good enough to carry on doing this and I'm bored of being marked on one assignment every six months instead of my participation, or my dedication, or my ability to engage with other people - all of which would be crucial parts of being a lecturer, if I can make it that far.
And what is the solution to this dilemma I hear you cry, well that's simple, I'm going to do what every young adult does when they can't be bothered to deal with a life choice, I'm going to take a year out.
Well sort of, I'm going to have a full-time job and write more and make more mood boards and apply for every job that takes my fancy and also apply for my PhD and see what comes of 12 months of doing that. So not so much a year out as a year of doing a million things and seeing what sticks.
And don't worry, you'll get constant updates by way of this little space on the internet.
xx
Loved this! The closer I am to finishing my degree, the more scared I am about what the hell I'm going to do next..
ReplyDelete