I think I've always had 'that friend', for some reason I seem to attract 'that friend' because I have a lot of stories about 'those friends' where most people only have one or two. I'd like to say the flaw is mine because I'm weak and I give off the vibe that I need help, and to be instructed, and most of all that it's easy to undermine me, but it isn't. The flaw is still mine because I'm committed, a strong believer in the long-term, and because I don't believe people could really be so selfish so I refuse to see it even when I know they are. We could call that naive, but I won't, because it's not; it's more accurately confusion and disbelief, which translates into a lack of kicking people to the curb when I really should. I've had a 'that' friend since I was first able to grasp the concept of being friends and I still have them now even though I have a much keener sense of friendship and a fairly strong sense of my own worth.
I had no qualms about writing this for the weeks since I decided I would but now I feel horrible and nervous and like I'm going to come across as vapid and bitchy and the sort of girl who talks about all her friends behind their backs and doesn't really like anyone because she hates herself. But I can safely say I am none of those things and I do none of those things and I have real and genuine love for the majority of my friends. They will know this because I tell them on the regular, and I know this because I have learnt that taking joy in other people's happiness and raising them up is good for you, more than anything it's less time and energy-consuming than resentment.
But this isn't about me and my self-development, and it isn't about other people and why they're mean and take their own feelings of inadequacy out on others. It's about me, and you, and why we let people like that sit around in our lives, taking up space they don't deserve.
First and foremost, hindsight is a fine thing, I'm sure everyone can point to about a hundred times they should have stood up for themselves or said something clever, or thrown someone out. But we don't do that because confrontation is hard and scary and we're taught that anger is a 'bad' emotion and to be avoided wherever possible. We're also taught not to trust rage as a feeling because it's associated with moments of irrationality and therefore doing things we probably wouldn't have done given our time again. Not being taught to feel or act on your feelings does a lot to damage your defences against toxic people, coupled with a blind optimism that everyone fundamentally must care about their friends and suddenly people are sticking around unchecked.
Then there's the irregularity of it all. Because no one is toxic 24/7, it comes and goes, dependent on events in their life and in yours, and sometimes people go months without showing their colours, especially when they need you. They're like the train you get to work every week that's always late and you get so furious on the platform you're sure you're going to write an angry-worded letter as soon as you get home and then you completely forget about as soon as you get off it at the other end. And they probably won't display these toxic behaviours straight away, and even when you do see them, you'll assume it's you being too sensitive, or them on an off day, before you realise that they are all-out unhealthy and not pursuing the No. 1 rule of friendship: raise each other up.
Mostly it's because confrontation is horrible and upsetting and being the one that says there's an issue it going to make you come across as the aggressor and nobody wants that. It's especially hard if this has been happening over a period of time and you've basically become apathetic about the whole situation. What usually happens is we stop caring, they get bored because you're not playing the 'everything is about you' game and they ditch us. It's the cruel irony of the entire situation that you're not useful unless you can be used to make them feel better, and once you stop caring about that (because they don't care about you), it's au revoir.
This all sounds so cruel, and I hate myself for writing it, but we all know people who can't be happy for other people's happiness, and even worse, can't bear other people having attention when they're unhappy. These people exist, and hopefully they'll grow out of it or maybe they won't, and maybe they have other friends or maybe they don't. It's probably because of some awful and very real assault on they're own self-esteem, but you're not a paid-for counsellor and your job isn't to have other people's shit laid at your door. You're a person and a friend and you have your own self-esteem issues and insecurities and your own past and you don't need someone to come and exploit those and make them worse.
Everyone deserves to have friends that raise them up, but you have to raise them up back. So I'm telling you that you don't need that friend, although how you go about getting them out of your life is your choice. You can avoid confrontation if you have the patience to allow for time to allow you to 'drift', or maybe you're so fed-up you're just going to tell them head-on.
I think this is a letter to myself and that I'm the only one who lets people stick around even though they're toxic and not at all the sorts of people I need in my life. I think I'm still confused about why people like this exist and that's why this post makes me so uncomfortable, because I think surely you can't just not care about others, and maybe I'm missing something.
But you don't need it, and neither do I. You don't need that friend who needs to be the centre of attention, and can't bear when you are. You don't need the friend who constantly undermines you or doubts your every decision, or cannot be supportive and love your successes. You don't need the friend who manages to make even your good points into your bad ones (like weird comments about it being easy for you to attract partners because you're not as 'intimidatingly' good looking). You do not need to say the phrase 'sometimes they're worse than others, today they managed not to upset/annoy me'.
I think mostly the point is that it's not your fault, if your friends undermine and don't support you, because they'll do it to everyone. It's not your fault and you don't need it and you can do better. So don't you dare beat yourself up about it.
xx
Then there's the irregularity of it all. Because no one is toxic 24/7, it comes and goes, dependent on events in their life and in yours, and sometimes people go months without showing their colours, especially when they need you. They're like the train you get to work every week that's always late and you get so furious on the platform you're sure you're going to write an angry-worded letter as soon as you get home and then you completely forget about as soon as you get off it at the other end. And they probably won't display these toxic behaviours straight away, and even when you do see them, you'll assume it's you being too sensitive, or them on an off day, before you realise that they are all-out unhealthy and not pursuing the No. 1 rule of friendship: raise each other up.
Mostly it's because confrontation is horrible and upsetting and being the one that says there's an issue it going to make you come across as the aggressor and nobody wants that. It's especially hard if this has been happening over a period of time and you've basically become apathetic about the whole situation. What usually happens is we stop caring, they get bored because you're not playing the 'everything is about you' game and they ditch us. It's the cruel irony of the entire situation that you're not useful unless you can be used to make them feel better, and once you stop caring about that (because they don't care about you), it's au revoir.
This all sounds so cruel, and I hate myself for writing it, but we all know people who can't be happy for other people's happiness, and even worse, can't bear other people having attention when they're unhappy. These people exist, and hopefully they'll grow out of it or maybe they won't, and maybe they have other friends or maybe they don't. It's probably because of some awful and very real assault on they're own self-esteem, but you're not a paid-for counsellor and your job isn't to have other people's shit laid at your door. You're a person and a friend and you have your own self-esteem issues and insecurities and your own past and you don't need someone to come and exploit those and make them worse.
Everyone deserves to have friends that raise them up, but you have to raise them up back. So I'm telling you that you don't need that friend, although how you go about getting them out of your life is your choice. You can avoid confrontation if you have the patience to allow for time to allow you to 'drift', or maybe you're so fed-up you're just going to tell them head-on.
I think this is a letter to myself and that I'm the only one who lets people stick around even though they're toxic and not at all the sorts of people I need in my life. I think I'm still confused about why people like this exist and that's why this post makes me so uncomfortable, because I think surely you can't just not care about others, and maybe I'm missing something.
But you don't need it, and neither do I. You don't need that friend who needs to be the centre of attention, and can't bear when you are. You don't need the friend who constantly undermines you or doubts your every decision, or cannot be supportive and love your successes. You don't need the friend who manages to make even your good points into your bad ones (like weird comments about it being easy for you to attract partners because you're not as 'intimidatingly' good looking). You do not need to say the phrase 'sometimes they're worse than others, today they managed not to upset/annoy me'.
I think mostly the point is that it's not your fault, if your friends undermine and don't support you, because they'll do it to everyone. It's not your fault and you don't need it and you can do better. So don't you dare beat yourself up about it.
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment