Reclaiming My Clothes [Time]

When I talked to someone about this post I lied and said the dress I would talk about was the one I wore when the last boy I dated dumped me. It wasn't. I don't even remember what I was wearing when that happened. I remember what I said and what he said and being bought flowers and having dinner with my main girl; that's how I would like it to stay. 

It was actually the dress I wore to my brother's funeral. I lie about that, and avoid talking about it, all the time I don't know why. I deny myself opportunities to talk about it even though sometimes it's all I want to do. But that's another story: let's talk about that dress. 

It was a Christmas present in the Christmas of 2013, I wore it to New Year's that year. It went to university with me and I wore it on a couple of nights out in my final year. It's black and faux leather so I usually confine it to winter because even without tights it's damn warm. 

The funeral was on the 3rd February 2015. I had to go back through my diary to find that. He died on the 15th January so the funeral was some time after that and obviously one date it much more memorable to me than the other. I remember it all so clearly but looking through my diary made me realise exactly how much it happened within the confines of my life. There are appointments and deadlines and social events littered over those two weeks and I kept all of them. I remember it as an expanse of time; a gap, and saying I'd do things 'after the funeral', but in reality I didn't stop and I didn't let anything give.

We decided to keep the dress code as black because sometimes grief is just bad and you don't want to celebrate life and wear colour. That's fine if you did but we didn't and I stand by our decision.

I smiled and felt uncomfortable and let out the smallest of sobs in that dress and then I was reunited with members of my family and chatted about everything else. Later I got changed and ate and cried a lot more. The day was weird because everyone looked lovely but no one felt like they could say so. It was weird because I asked advice on what to wear and if my lipstick was even and my mum asked me if I thought her dress went with her shoes and looked okay and it did but it felt strange to say. I'd lost a lot of weight at this point and I'm not sure I was even happy with how I looked in that dress, but it felt like a good demonstration of how we were all coping that we could manage to get dressed and be well-presented even after what had happened.

I wasn't sure if I would ever wear that dress again, not because of the bad memories but because it felt strangely inappropriate to acknowledge that it was nice and I looked good in it because you're not meant to notice that sort of thing at a funeral. But it's my dress, and it's for me to wear whatever the weather. It's not just my funeral dress in the same way that I'm not just grieving. It is my funeral dress in the same way that I am grieving. It's also my 'End of Term celebration' dress because I also spent the evening with my friends and enjoyed their company. It is both things because I am both things. It hasn't stopped being my funeral dress any more than I've stopped grieving but I don't want my clothes to be boxed off any more than I want that for myself.

This felt like the right time to write this because I'm walking back through the four months between his diagnosis and his death and everything feels so familiar sometimes I have to remind myself it's not happening all over again. I want to wear that dress again this autumn on no day in particular and for no reason. Probably just with a jumper thrown over it. I want to claim back my favourite time of year and that dress I look great in.  I want to spend this time talking about all this as much as possible because I've learnt so much about myself from it, and about other people. I hid it for such a long time and I refuse to be ashamed by my pain any more.

I also got my heartbroken right alongside all of this and my friends have already promised to help me reclaim things that remind me of that boy. The places and events and things we did that don't feel like memories I can comfortably have any more. When it comes to my grieving I need to do that for myself.

I need to reclaim that dress because I need to reclaim my memories as mine, as times I felt happy because of the life I've built for myself not memories of the things that happened to me without my say-so. I need to wear it to my good job, and around my wonderful friends, and on days I'm out by myself and feeling 100% me. I need it to have multiple meanings to me because I need to have multiple meanings for myself. I need to be open about all of them. I want to be able to list 'grieving' as comfortably as I list 'successful'. I am both.

I want that to be my 'funeral dress' and my 'if you can do that, you can do anything dress'.

xx

Stepping Away from the Screen

I spend about 75% of my waking minutes in front of a computer screen. I wish that was an over-exaggeration but it isn't. I'm writing my thesis, doing my job and running this blog all at once and all of those require interaction with a computer and a smartphone.

I'm not gonna spend time here preaching about the inability of our generation to have meaningful face-to-face conversation, or how we can't enjoy what's in front of us, or how we're selfish. Mainly because I hate shit like that, I have plenty of meaningful IRL times with the people around me, and on my rare (and I mean very rare) days off I delight in leaving my phone hidden away in the bottom of my bag except for photo documentation purposes. It just so happens that I'm exceptionally busy and the things I do that make me busy all need a computer to do them.

That being said I am starting to feel the strain on my eyes, and my concentration levels. All this 24/7 blue light isn't doing it for me. Your brain needs change and challenge to work to the best of its ability and although it probably feels regularly challenged you need to use all of it. There's no doubt that I write better now I do it on a continuous basis, but that's also in part because I invested in some notebooks and I take myself away from the screen now. There's something about blank pages that inspire you in a way a blank Word document just can't.

This new alignment in all of my activities has presented a problem with the ways I used to switch off. Reading includes words and although I still love my time with a good book I have to say that I have to be more in the mood for it than I used to when I worked in retail. Watching anything film or TV wise is sometimes the last thing I want to do and more than often just makes me fall asleep too early. I have perfected the 7pm-9pm nap and then straight back to bed at 11pm, but that's nothing to be proud of.

So here's a quick run down of the things I started doing to give myself a bit of a break from the back-light.

Taking handwritten notes
I cannot tell you how much nicer this is when it comes to essay writing. I have to spend a lot of the time I'm actually writing crying over my laptop so it's nice to start that process in pen and paper rather than creating lots of digital pages I can never find and can't keep in one physical place. Even better, keeping a file of my notes makes me feel like I've done loads of work, even when I haven't, and it's incredibly satisfying to see after a month of thesis- related researching that I actually have something to show for it. Plus it's better memory-wise because you eventually have to process all that information in ink into a digital copy anyway.

Making mood-boards
This is actually how this whole mission to do more with my hands than just tapping on a keyboard began. I was asked to make a mood-board for a job interview and the process of cutting and sticking and arranging was probably the most relaxing and enjoyable hours I'd had in a very long time. It was that activity which alerted me to the fact that writing isn't the only way I can express myself, Being tactile and having something you can actually do with your hands which requires concentration and doesn't include words is so important. Plus it allows me to explore my interests in a different way, and helps remind me that fashion is really, more than anything, just about clothes.

Running
Or walking. Or anything really that involves your body rather than your brain. I've had some of my best ideas (and a lot of writers block breakthroughs) whilst my legs have been working instead of my hands and eyes. Admittedly it's been a while since I ran, but I like to think that the mile each way from the city centre to university that I walk nearly every day still counts for something, and it's still one of my favourite parts of any day.

Colouring
Hopefully one day to be 'drawing', but you have to start somewhere and I certainly didn't start in Year 9 art class. It's never too late to pick up an artistic hobby though and since I'm not thinking of a career in portraiture it's a nice no-pressure way to spend my time (i.e. it doesn't matter if it's not very good). The benefits of colouring for adults have been well recorded and I'm hoping the concentration needed alongside the enjoyment I should get from it will bring me a bit of peace of mind as well as giving my self a well-needed change from a screen of back-lit colour,

Cooking
Basically as far away from writing as you could get, no writing implement or paper or even noise to be found. This is also the one with the most satisfying end result, you either get a great meal or a cake to be shared with everyone you know. Making you popular and relaxed.

Reading in pictures
It's no exaggeration to say that graphic novels have changed my life. The text isn't line after line of a font I spend every day looking at (I see you, Times New Roman), and there are pictures and not everything is in grey-scale and my eyes eat that up. I keep reading and I keep learning and I write better for it, but I do it in a way that allows my brain to change pace and process that information differently.


xx

Good Vibes Sunday #27

I did it! 

Apart from that, this week was a week of internal screaming. 

Here's to next week.

xx

Halfway Reflection [Dear Claire 2.0]

Dear Half-Way 2015 Claire,

6 months down, 6 months to go. Let's see how you're doing.

Let's cut to the chase and say you're doing so well to even still be standing. This year was so bad in ways you could have anticipated and also ways you really couldn't. You might say that it all still feels pretty bad, I would agree. The thing is though, that it's just the same things that are still a bit worse than you wanted them to be.

So you're still grieving, of course, and you're still heart-broken. So what? Maybe those things will just take a little longer than 6 months to fix, and hopefully we'll be writing a very different letter by the end of the year. I think you should be proud of yourself, and I know you are, but you also can't fix everything. You made friends, friends who want to see you and live with you and talk to you all the time. You got rid of people that didn't want to do any of those things (or didn't deserve any of those things) and life might have fallen apart around you but your family is still standing and you still have a job.

Stay measured and stay honest. Stay emotionally open. Stay completely intolerant to anything or anyone that doesn't make you happy. Try and stay positive, I know every day feels like a bit of a challenge but in a couple of months everything will be so different, and probably a lot more structured. Plus you'll have your own place again, and a full-time job.

You know this year has simultaneously been the best and worst year of your life so far, and I think that's a pretty good sign. There are no 'good' or 'bad' years, or months, or weeks, or days. There are only the things you build and the things you can't control.

You're not going to get what you really want by changing the way you are. You're certainly not going to get it by only considering one course of action and refusing to admit that you might have been wrong. You haven't committed to anything yet but by the end of this year you might have to. It's gonna be a big decision with big implications so make sure you do a lot of soul-searching. Discuss it with everyone around you to verbalise it, because that will help you. Take no advice though, because only you have to live with it so what everyone else thinks doesn't matter.

Goddammit girl please take your make-up off every night.

Read more! And do more stuff that doesn't involve words! Write more in between!

Stay strong girl, you're doing so good.

Claire
xx

Good Vibes Sunday #26

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #25

xx

Lessons You at 13 Could Teach You at 23.

I don't think 13 year-old Claire gets enough love. I think I try to bury my teenage years as one big period of shame and trying to be popular when I just wasn't going to be. I remember a pathetic version of myself, desperate to be liked and drawing attention to myself in horribly embarrassing ways. But the more I think about it, the more I think I'm not giving myself enough credit. I might not have been very successful in my quest to be 'cool', but that was mostly because I adamantly refused to be any less of myself. I didn't want to look like anyone else or be like anyone else. I wanted my voice to be heard just the way it was. And I seem to remember myself as a little more carefree, more time in front of me and at a stage in life where as long as you were still in school, you were doing okay. 

So here's what the awkward, weird, teenager in all of us could teach us now we're adults. 

Your hair is your hair, is your hair

And there's nothing we can do about that babe. It's never going to to look perfectly done and if it did it would take all your time and money. Just try and find some hair ties that don't give you tension headache, and don't brush it when you let it dry naturally. 

How pretty you are is not the point

Girl, listen. You look the same every damn day. Only you notice your 'bad' days. No one gives a sweet shit what you look like so you get ready for you and let everyone keep loving you just the way you are.

Some people will always be awful

I know you thought you wouldn't be dealing with this shit now you're an adult but people still have nothing better to do with their time. Remember when you knew that being bullied just showed how insecure the other person was? Never ever forget it; bullies still exist and it still isn't anything to do with you. 

Your friends are your achievements, not your love life
These people are some of the best you'll ever know and they've chosen to be in contact with you for the rest of your life, so what you doing letting some boy who barely knows your name tell you how much you're worth? More than that, why are you boiling down all your achievements to whether you have a partner or not? 

What you eat is no one's business

Don't you remember the time before it was a personal character achievement that you are salad? Just eat whatever the hell you like and remember life will be better if every meal tastes great and fills you up, rather than looking great and tasting of nothing. 

Not every day has to be great

Also remember the time before motivational quotes. Basically, do you remember the time before social media. Not every day has to be awe-inspiring or come with a sunset background with some writing over it. Your days will largely feel unproductive and frustrating but they'll have nice moments and that's the best we can hope for.

The people with the most active social lives aren't always the happiest

At this age you had to spend so much time with people you didn't even like. So much. Literally more time with people you didn't like than people you did. You're a proper adult and you don't have to do that anymore, so don't. If that means more nights to yourself then that's fine. 

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #24

First evidence of professional lift improvement.

This moment, when a dog was asleep on my lap. 

This film. I still love dinosaurs. 

Getting really started on my dissertation. 

Last night with these babes.

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #23

A day in York with my MA girls was just what we needed. 

And here's to a tiny bit of professional success. Well done me. 

xx

Impostor Syndrome

The first time I got impostor syndrome was during my internship in Brussels. There's something about being 20, and female, and really still only a student, and going to meetings where actual influential people are discussing the actual policies of the actual EU which easily makes you feel like you might have somehow ended up in the wrong room. I wasn't of course, I was there because it was my job, because I was a research assistant and I was a research assistant because someone had met me and decided I could be one. The people who decided that knew how important their work was and they thought I was a good person to do it.

 This is quite normal; I do tend to get jobs and be considered fairly competent. So what am I doing feeling so out of place, and so surprised every time I'm just a little bit successful?

Then I got the job I had before my current one, in the sort of clothes store I'd have been really intimidated to go in, and not only did I do fine but no one once looked at me like I wasn't supposed to be there. I totally knew what I was doing and everyone knew I had a right to have that job.

And finally, I got the job I have now, the kind of job I always wanted but also the kind of job other people had and not me. But some people met me and they thought I was the sort of person who could have that job. So there I was, that girl with the job she likes and the masters degree and applying to do her PhD and I am totally that person. But sometimes it feels like I'm not that person, that I'm just playing at being that person because I just want to be that person, but actually it's completely unattainable.

It's hard to explain if you've never felt it. But this post is for those of us who feel weird in shops where all the shop assistants are impeccably dressed and their hair always looks perfect, and also for those of us who managed to get jobs that everyone else tells us are really great but we still just feel like we're flailing around and have no idea what we're doing.

A good example of feeling like an imposter in my own life is this blog. I feel like any moment now someone's going to email me and say 'Claire that blog is super embarrassing, you are not the sort of person that should be blogging, please get off the internet and go read or something, okay?'. No one will of course, and no one does, instead people comment and say things like 'me too, this was great', and sometimes my real life friends read it and they tell  me so and I feel happy but also like I've been found out, as though people actually reading all this stuff I put out there might be my great undoing. And the people of the internet will realise I'm not supposed to be there, because my posts are irregular, and not fashion or beauty related (some of the time) and my photos aren't edited.

I'm just going to throw it out there, I think social media has made us believe that good things are only for people with perfect lives. And when you know your own life, including the fact that one time you dropped a 4-pint milk carton on the kitchen floor and it split and went everywhere, its hard to think of it as perfect.

For me, good things are for people with good hair. The love-hate relationship I have with my hair always tends to the hate side of the equation due to its inability to fall nicely without some serious graft. I don't have naturally good hair and things don't just fall into my lap. They take a lot of work and a lot of failure and they're never as good as anyone else's things.
And when they are as good I get the feeling that everyone around me thinks I don't deserve it, or I'm the wrong type of person to have it. I'm not the right sort of person to have a cool job, but I also don't let my academic work consume my life so I probably don't deserve PhD funding either.

But when I (fingers crossed, touch wood, salt over the shoulder) get all of these things, and in fact, the things I already have, I just feel like I don't deserve them, or I have to play them down and not celebrate them because there must be an excuse for them somewhere. Because it doesn't feel very likely that all these things are just for me because I didn't find it easy to get them.
But then isn't that everyone's reality, isn't it more that the people we think of as successful don't talk about the times they failed. Most of us apply for jobs we want but don't get and don't wash our hair for three days and our successes are never quite as wholly perfect as we imagined. Certainly not as easy as everyone else makes it look.
 So when we're there and its good it's easy to feel like you're not good enough to meet the credit that's been given to you. And when you're successful but it's not what you hoped it would be just as easy to think this might be the best you can do and you should just be grateful.

So that's where we're at, I'm making changes in my life for the better that I feel like I don't deserve because as a woman I'm not taught to think of myself as successful and as a person I feel like I'm constantly middling so feeling successful doesn't come very easily. The most difficult part of this is that my successes so far have come as a result of some really tough decisions and everyone else makes it look so easy that I don't really feel like I'm doing as well because I had to cast stuff out to get to this point. 

But that's what imposter syndrome is that's what it's about, you feel like you're not doing it, or you shouldn't be, because you're not doing it like everyone else is, or how you think you're meant to do it. But no one ever talks about the nights out they turned down and the days they spent hitting their head against their laptop. They sure as hell don't talk about the years out to work and wait they had to take and the travelling they didn't do. Everyone makes it look easy but it isn't and when I got some great career-orientated news this week I thought about everything I'd done to get here and realised I am definitely not an imposter, I deserve it.

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #22

Monday and Tuesday in Masstricht were also beyond perfect and I could effuse forever about how much I love my girl. 

We won the pub quiz because we are masters of knowledge and also very few other people participated. 

Went to a conference on a Saturday because history is my life and that means going into uni all day at the weekend to listen to people talk about Waterloo. 

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #21

Saw Pitch Perfect 2 with Emily.

Handed in my final ever essay.

Saw this play with Anna.

Maastricht & Brussels are just one big great moment because it is the happiest I've been for the most number of days straight in a very long time.

Have a beautiful week and tell your friends you love them.

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #20

Monday, Wednesday night, and Friday night aside, this week was another essay-writing and therefore, it was filled with very few good vibes and many hours of wishing I'd chosen to do something different with my life. So there are not photos of this week apart from this one of mine and Emily's dinner. Instead you can have a playlist of all the classic tunes I've been using to get myself through the last essay I'll ever have to write.

Oh and this, obviously.

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #19

This makes me happy and also sad at the same time about the way we're using the Britiah language to confuse the rest of the world but still how I completely understand every word. 

A really good response to this post I did that I was super nervous about, on toxic friends. 

I also: 

Saw a sausage dog on the bus on Monday.

Got a new job. 

Left my old job.

Had some really nice dinners with some really nice people.

Spent Sunday essay writing without getting dressed or putting any make-up on.

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #18

This was my Saturday off, and also the day I found out I got a new job. 

Apart from that this week was plagued with bad news and stress and even though this is meant to be a weekly space for positivity, I think it's important to acknowledge that weeks don't always work out like that. Overall, I've felt pretty settled and peaceful this week but a lot of my friends haven't, I hope they know how much I love them. 

Then the election happened. The election happened and the result wasn't what I was hoping for, not even a bit. It's important we can find good in it though, because failure is as much a lesson for social movements as it is for individuals. And failure should keep us moving forward and trying new things and keep the fight in us. So here's to doing that, even on the most difficult weeks. 

xx

You Don't Need 'That Friend', And Neither Do I

I think I've always had 'that friend', for some reason I seem to attract 'that friend' because I have a lot of stories about 'those friends' where most people only have one or two. I'd like to say the flaw is mine because I'm weak and I give off the vibe that I need help, and to be instructed, and most of all that it's easy to undermine me, but it isn't. The flaw is still mine because I'm committed, a strong believer in the long-term, and because I don't believe people could really be so selfish so I refuse to see it even when I know they are. We could call that naive, but I won't, because it's not; it's more accurately confusion and disbelief, which translates into a lack of kicking people to the curb when I really should. I've had a 'that' friend since I was first able to grasp the concept of being friends and I still have them now even though I have a much keener sense of friendship and a fairly strong sense of my own worth. 

I had no qualms about writing this for the weeks since I decided I would but now I feel horrible and nervous and like I'm going to come across as vapid and bitchy and the sort of girl who talks about all her friends behind their backs and doesn't really like anyone because she hates herself. But I can safely say I am none of those things and I do none of those things and I have real and genuine love for the majority of my friends. They will know this because I tell them on the regular, and I know this because I have learnt that taking joy in other people's happiness and raising them up is good for you, more than anything it's less time and energy-consuming than resentment.

But this isn't about me and my self-development, and it isn't about other people and why they're mean and take their own feelings of inadequacy out on others. It's about me, and you, and why we let people like that sit around in our lives, taking up space they don't deserve.

First and foremost, hindsight is a fine thing, I'm sure everyone can point to about a hundred times they should have stood up for themselves or said something clever, or thrown someone out. But we don't do that because confrontation is hard and scary and we're taught that anger is a 'bad' emotion and to be avoided wherever possible. We're also taught not to trust rage as a feeling because it's associated with moments of irrationality and therefore doing things we probably wouldn't have done given our time again. Not being taught to feel or act on your feelings does a lot to damage your defences against toxic people, coupled with a blind optimism that everyone fundamentally must care about their friends and suddenly people are sticking around unchecked.

Then there's the irregularity of it all. Because no one is toxic 24/7, it comes and goes, dependent on events in their life and in yours, and sometimes people go months without showing their colours, especially when they need you. They're like the train you get to work every week that's always late and you get so furious on the platform you're sure you're going to write an angry-worded letter as soon as you get home and then you completely forget about as soon as you get off it at the other end. And they probably won't display these toxic behaviours straight away, and even when you do see them, you'll assume it's you being too sensitive, or them on an off day, before you realise that they are all-out unhealthy and not pursuing the No. 1 rule of friendship: raise each other up.

Mostly it's because confrontation is horrible and upsetting and being the one that says there's an issue it going to make you come across as the aggressor and nobody wants that. It's especially hard if this has been happening over a period of time and you've basically become apathetic about the whole situation. What usually happens is we stop caring, they get bored because you're not playing the 'everything is about you' game and they ditch us. It's the cruel irony of the entire situation that you're not useful unless you can be used to make them feel better, and once you stop caring about that (because they don't care about you), it's au revoir.

This all sounds so cruel, and I hate myself for writing it, but we all know people who can't be happy for other people's happiness, and even worse, can't bear other people having attention when they're unhappy. These people exist, and hopefully they'll grow out of it or maybe they won't, and maybe they have other friends or maybe they don't. It's probably because of some awful and very real assault on they're own self-esteem, but you're not a paid-for counsellor and your job isn't to have other people's shit laid at your door. You're a person and a friend and you have your own self-esteem issues and insecurities and your own past and you don't need someone to come and exploit those and make them worse.

Everyone deserves to have friends that raise them up, but you have to raise them up back. So I'm telling you that you don't need that friend, although how you go about getting them out of your life is your choice. You can avoid confrontation if you have the patience to allow for time to allow you to 'drift', or maybe you're so fed-up you're just going to tell them head-on.

I think this is a letter to myself and that I'm the only one who lets people stick around  even though they're toxic and not at all the sorts of people I need in my life. I think I'm still confused about why people like this exist and that's why this post makes me so uncomfortable, because I think surely you can't just not care about others, and maybe I'm missing something.

But you don't need it, and neither do I. You don't need that friend who needs to be the centre of attention, and can't bear when you are. You don't need the friend who constantly undermines you or doubts your every decision, or cannot be supportive and love your successes. You don't need the friend who manages to make even your good points into your bad ones (like weird comments about it being easy for you to attract partners because you're not as 'intimidatingly' good looking). You do not need to say the phrase 'sometimes they're worse than others, today they managed not to upset/annoy me'.

I think mostly the point is that it's not your fault, if your friends undermine and don't support you, because they'll do it to everyone. It's not your fault and you don't need it and you can do better. So don't you dare beat yourself up about it.

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #17

I had dinner with my parents. 

And dinner with my girls.

And macarons for breakfast. 

All obviously because it was my birthday. I also watched the latest season of House of Cards and read two books. Basically this week I got my life back and remembered what it was like to be a bit more well-rounded as a person.

Thank you to everyone who helped me celebrate <3

xx

Good Vibes Sunday # 16

This was great. 

And I did my democratic duty. 

There was actually plenty that was good about last week but that mainly revolved around people keeping me sane in the last week of intensive work before I had a little break for my birthday/my health. I seem to have stumbled across a wealth of wonderful people in my life at the moment and I'm feeling very lucky indeed.

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #15

This is almost all that was good about last week. Along with some very good company over some Morrocab food and this moment of lady-solidarity: 

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #14

Easter adventures in London with Cayla. 

Leeds adventures with Izzy. And finally some good weather! 

Getting back to work and being productive. 

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #13

This email, because I knew exactly what I needed. 

An evening of catching up with one of my oldest friends. 

I'll just leave that here really. 

Lots of tea and catching up and a really nice cat. 

xx

Good Vibes Sunday #12

Discovering @MedievalReactions on Twitter. Also @AncientReactions. Historical reactions are my favourite. 

Remembering that I am, in fact, too fab for your negativity. 

Counting down to being reunited with some of my favourite people. 

Mood-boarding and engaging my creative side. 

Ed making me feel a bit more optimistic about the next 6 weeks. Turns out political debate doesn't always have to make you want to pull out your own eyes. 

Easy, easy Sundays at work. 

Booking these and having more things to look forward to. Payday income well spent. 

xx